All's fair in books and
blogging so while Mr B had his own
blog
on the Guardian Books Online
website, Mr B's has just set up its own Blog of Bloggy
Delights and that ridiculously up-herself Vlashka has her own
Vanity Page, so it's only right that I have somewhere to voice my
own opinions.
So here it
is...the one, the only, the Book Monkey Blog
Beat you to
it Mr B! - posted on 25th October 2007 at 3.36pm
Oh glory be! I am in print!
Check this out, suckers. Marion Boyars publishers have just published a book
called "The Bookaholics' Guide to Book Blogs"
and you should have seen the look on Mr B's face when he realised
that MY blog and not his is quoted in it extensively. He
checked once, he checked twice. But not a single quote from him. Just me.
Little ol' me. From jungle to circus to book lackey to published author!! I
thought about being magnanimous but then thought, nah. He's had his
day. This is my day to shine. He can take his Yann Martel and his Guardian
blog and shove them deep into his extra stock shelves. In fact I think I
will officially write to Mr B asking to come and do a signing at the shop!
Ha! That'll set his blonde locks quivering.
So thank you all, but
especially to my mum for all the support she's given me over the years,
particularly in my early blogging days. And of course to
Commandante Monkey
for all his sweet
encouragement. Not forgetting Marion Boyars Publishers who were kind enough to publish my works. You are forever in
my hearts. Sniff.
Book Monkey/Regular
Monkey/Book Seller - what is the difference? - posted on 29th August 2007
It's a common question and I
will try to be as honest as possible in answering. I can only speak
personally of course and I only know a handful of other Book Monkeys
with whom to compare notes.
(1) The most obvious
difference is pay. Most Regular Monkeys in the service industry are
handsomely paid. Book Monkeys, on the other hand, barely scrape the minimum
wage and I've even heard of some who are paid (very unimaginatively) in
bananas. Book Sellers are also poorly paid but, I believe, have never been
offered bananas as remuneration.
(2) Book Monkeys read. Regular
Monkeys do not. Book Sellers also read although some cheat and just read
reviews instead.
(3) The waistcoat is the
uniform of the Book Monkey. Book Sellers don't wear waistcoats these days
and whilst most Regular Monkeys might sport a jumper or sweatshirt,
waistcoats are rare.
(4) As I see it, Book Sellers
are treated with a degree of respect by their employers and by the
book-buying public. Book Monkeys are seen as little more than lackeys and
Regular Monkeys are apparently considered sub-human.
(5) Book Sellers love the
sound of their own voice, especially when they've actually read the book
that's being asked about. Book Monkeys read infinitely more than Book
Sellers but are modest and usually reluctant to divulge opinion other than
in writing and when pressed. As Regular Monkeys don't read, they
mostly talk about TV.
I can't speak for any other
Book Monkey or Book Seller but I personally don't like wind, rain, rice
pudding, dogs, Halifax adverts, anything by Philip Roth and suncream (can
you imagine the mess?).
I'll have some Saudade
with
my coffee please! - posted on 27th March 2007 at 8pm
The Portuguese have this word "Saudade"
- a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably
cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the
past or towards the future; an indolent dreaming wistfulness. Don't know
about you, but I have Saudade every morning.
Highlights & lowlights of my
Portuguese wanderings:
Transport-wise: Cheap
and nasty hire-car (very little tail-room).
Food-wise: Disappointed by the intriguing
sounding "Cheese Leafy". A poor cousin of
the French "feuilleté". The "Green Cod" was even less
promising than it sounded. Delicious almond cakey bits though - and
they make a mean coffee!.
Bookshop-wise:
Bookshop
in Tavira had terrible signage - I'd go as far as to say there was no
signage whatsoever. The books seemed to be randomly placed with no
indication as to what was where. Quite a quirky idea though, "Book-Pot-Luck"!
- Delightful little shop in Alvor run by the equally delightful Susanna
(Magna Carta Bookshop -
www.magnacartabookshop.com).
Locals-wise: Alarming
incident involving a small village store, a kilo bag of almonds, a penknife
and a
lady with a completely full beard and moustache (it was like looking in a
mirror). A much more charming meeting with a couple from Lisbon who gave me
lots of tips about
great Portuguese writers.
And now I'm back at the
workhouse reviewing and box lifting and never getting to meet the customers!
Have you noticed that?? Boooo.
Cardboard Monkey - posted
on 11th January 2007 at 2pm
Turns out Christmas for a Book
Monkey involves very little reading and a whole lot of cardboard. Late-night
lugging, cutting up and flattening, hauling and dragging, repacking and
taping up - all the time tripping over the dog who was basking in customer
lovin'. Humph.
And you'll never guess what I
got for Christmas. A book and an orange. They did choose well however -
Black Swan Green by David Mitchell. A gentle, thought-provoking read and the
bullying scenes particularly struck a chord. I think the orange was a joke
as I can't peel it and they know that.
The Book
Monkey's "Dangerous Book for Monkeys" - posted 29th November 2006 at
noon
I have a fantastic new idea for a book - but keep it hush for now. Between
you and me, I reckon I'll make a fortune out of a spin-off Monkey version of
the wildly popular Dangerous Book for Boys.
In case
you've been asleep for the past few months, or chained to your desks or,
like me, been working like a (well, I would say dog but...)...anyway, if for
some reason you've been out of the loop, this book is a fabulous giftbook
detailing all sorts of things that boys used to do in the days before the
onslaught of virtual "Beat-the-Living-***
Out-of-Someone-from-the-comfort-of-your-bedroom" games. It's full of things
like "how to make a go-cart" or a water bomb, cricket rules, famous battles,
how to juggle, extraordinary adventurers....that kind of thing.
However, I
reckon it's mostly a winner because no-one knows what to buy boys or men and
this title just screams "BUY ME - I'M PERFECT FOR ANY MAN".
My monkey version would also
be very practical and full of lists - how to peel fruit without the mess,
the complete words to "King of the Swingers", 50 ways to tease a Ring
Master, origami with banana leaves, opening crisp packets, lists of all
Tarzan films...etc..
I am sure my proposal will be
a huge hit for the following reasons:
(1) Monkeys
love lists too
(2) People never know what to
buy monkeys
(3) It is
bound to make Richard & Judy's list thus making me an instant millionaire.
They are suckers for this kind of thing.
So... watch this space,
Monkey-lovers...
Practising my
Sudoku - posted 23 October 2006 at 8 pm - Heathrow
So,
Mr Thundermug eluded me, but some
sympathy I got from Mr B! I was expecting to return home to a nice bowl of
coco-pops and a bit of TLC but instead was ordered to go straight back off
to find the new country of the month books and films - in Japan no
less! If I didn't have such a thick hide, I'd think Mr B was trying to keep
me out of the way while all these great events are going on.
Still, I am
partial to Sushi, gadgets and to having my photo taken so I reckon I'll love
it there. Have already got into Sudoku in preparation for the long flight.
In any case, I'm so glad I missed the Afternoon Tea with the Llewelyn-Bowens.
He doesn't strike me as the monkey-loving type, what with the floaty sleeves
and design talk. It seems that in any case he was
all over Vlashka and I'm not sure I could have stomached that
love-up.
So see you,
Monkey-Fans. I will return with long armfuls of Murakami and much much
more very soon!
Gone in search
of Mr Thundermug - posted 5th October 2006 at 2pm
Am downhearted today.
After reading
Mr Thundermug, I have
become unable to sleep, eat, let alone work until I find this god, this
hero, this talking monkey extraordinaire. I thought featuring him as in the
book of the week
would satisfy me, but
no. I've been Thundermugged. And I'm not alone. Everyone's talking about
him. Every
blogger in the land seems to
be caught under his spell. So I'm off. So long Mr B, for now at least.
You've worked me like a PG Tips chimp for long enough. I'm coming Mr
Thundermug. Wherever you may be. I'm on my way.
Homer
Sweet Homer - posted 11th August 2006 at 4pm
Did you ever see that episode of the Simpsons where they find out that the
monkey sanctuary is really a diamond mine using monkeys as free labour? Well
I know how those mining monkeys feel. Mr B has had me working like a dog for
the last few weeks, hence my lack of blogging. Come to think of it, where do
they get that "working like a dog" phrase from? As I type, Mr B's dog is
flaked out in the usual heap of fur doing nothing remotely work-like.
Meanwhile
I've been off to sodding Canada to report back on their best literary
offerings for this damn "country of the month" feature. And no, a free
month's holiday to Canada may not sound bad to you, but then you probably
wouldn't have to fly over in a wire cage with a tarpaulin over it would you?
And I suspect you'd choose to spend the first 3 weeks of your trip in Banff
or Vancouver Island or some such, whereas monkey-boy here was obliged to
spend it in a concrete hut in Toronto airport listening to the vet's Celine
Dion CDs on loop and having inoculation needles shoved in him every five
minutes.
So it was
good to get home and, surprise of surprises, when I checked my inbox I had
my very own e-mail. My first, I must confess. It was from a rather fabulous
if slightly ambitious fellow by the name of Comandante Monkey who is one of
the all-too-small community of monkey bloggers. His revolutionary blog is
online too (click
here) and he was kind enough to point his readers to this page. So I'll repay
the compliment.
King Kong
-
posted 3rd July 2006 at 5 p.m.
Second week of trading. Rainy Monday. Whole country
depressed after England getting knocked out of the world cup - you do the
maths. Not a customer in sight.
So, apart from when Mr B called for a sales update ("No sir, not one
thousand. One book") I've spent my day watching King-Kong - the original of
course, not this new-fangled rubbish. Man that's one big monkey.
